Water Is Fattening

Mum says water is fattening –
she heard it on daytime TV.
I’m sure she must have misunderstood
so I tell her I disagree.
But she gives a loud disdainful sniff
and says she knows she’s right –
eight glasses of water a day
are making her hips look a fright.

I mention her love of Dundee cake
and her passion for full-fat cheese,
then remind her how much she adores clotted cream
but she protests, “Now, darling, please.
They’re little treats I have now and then
and I’m sure they can’t possibly matter.
It’s water I ought to cut down on now
because that’s what’s making me fatter.”

I go to her fridge for milk (full fat)
as Mum brews up the tea,
and there upon the second shelf down
I see Stilton, Cheddar and Brie.
Not tiny portions for one, of course –
they would feed her street for weeks.
And when I spot the fresh-cream eclairs
a blush spreads over her cheeks.
“I normally only buy one box
but three-for-the-price-of-two
was Tesco’s generous offer today
so what else could I do...?”

“But the ‘Use by’ date is today, Mum –
are the neighbours invited to tea?”
“Good God, no! Eclairs are my favourites –
I’m saving them all for me.
Don’t worry, I’ve worked out a clever plan
so I can eat them all at once:
If I give up water completely today,
I know I won’t put on an ounce.”

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