Water Is Fattening

Mum says water is fattening –
she heard it on daytime TV.
I’m sure she must have misunderstood
so I tell her I disagree.
But she gives a loud disdainful sniff
and says she knows she’s right –
eight glasses of water a day
are making her hips look a fright.

I mention her love of Dundee cake
and her passion for full-fat cheese,
then remind her how much she adores clotted cream
but she protests, “Now, darling, please.
They’re little treats I have now and then
and I’m sure they can’t possibly matter.
It’s water I ought to cut down on now
because that’s what’s making me fatter.”

I go to her fridge for milk (full fat)
as Mum brews up the tea,
and there upon the second shelf down
I see Stilton, Cheddar and Brie.
Not tiny portions for one, of course –
they would feed her street for weeks.
And when I spot the fresh-cream eclairs
a blush spreads over her cheeks.
“I normally only buy one box
but three-for-the-price-of-two
was Tesco’s generous offer today
so what else could I do...?”

“But the ‘Use by’ date is today, Mum –
are the neighbours invited to tea?”
“Good God, no! Eclairs are my favourites –
I’m saving them all for me.
Don’t worry, I’ve worked out a clever plan
so I can eat them all at once:
If I give up water completely today,
I know I won’t put on an ounce.”

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For Sale: One Silver Cat

For Sale: One silver cat
adorable and not too fat
but she scratches the hell out of sofas
I’ll make no bones about that.

She’s lost a few of her lives
because she brings me out in hives
when she claws holes in the carpets
and eats all my chives.
The basils have all turned black
(she pees on them behind my back)
and last night she poo’d in the parsley pot –
I hope it’s survived the attack.

I can’t visit the bathroom at night
without switching on all the lights
in case she’s sicked up a fur-ball.
(I’ve stepped in a few, all right!)

But this morning was the last straw
when I woke up at half-past four
to find a dead rat on my pillow.
I just can’t take anymore!

If you can put up with all that,
you can have my silver cat
but I may come round to reclaim her

because I’ll miss her – despite all that. :-)

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